Friendships, like play, occupy a central place in children’s social lives. While associated with children’s social, emotional, and cognitive development, friendship is also a determining factor for social adaptation and psychological adjustment (Bagwell et al., 2001; Vitaro et al., 2011). Children with mutual friends are viewed as more readily equipped with social competence than children without friends; they tend to have higher self-esteem, be more sociable and cooperative, and be better able to cope with change and manage interpersonal conflicts (Berndt, 2002; Gest et al., 2001). Further, children with positive and stable friendships exhibit higher engagement and greater achievement in school (Berndt, 2002). The presence of even one close friend has been associated with a child’s happiness and sense of belonging (Rubin & Thompson, 2006).
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There are also notable variations in autistic children’s socialization with peers (Carter et al., 2005; Conn, 2014; Jordan, 2003). In unsupported play contexts, autistic children often remain on the fringes, as onlookers or in parallel to peers. Studies show that they initiate and respond to peer initiations with less clarity, frequency and consistency than neurotypical/non-autistic peers (Corbett et al., 2010; Sigman & Ruskin, 1999). When they do initiate and respond, their attempts often go unnoticed because their social approach is subtle, unconventional, or out of sync with peer play activity (Wolfberg, 2009; Wolfberg et al., 2015). Autistic children present distinct social styles that may vary according to context and over time (Wing & Gould, 1979). They may appear distant (withdraw, stay apart from peers), passive (watch, follow, imitate in proximity to peers) or have an active-unique style (overtly approach peers in an idiosyncratic manner).
As autistic children gain exposure to peers, they express strong desires to have friends as companions (Bauminger-Zviely & Agam-Ben-Artzi, 2014; Calder et al., 2013; Petrina et al., 2016). However, research shows that they have fewer social connections and mutual friendships than their neurotypical counterparts (Bauminger-Zviely & Agam-Ben-Artzi, 2014; Rotheram-Fuller et al., 2010). Autistic children are less likely to experience peer group acceptance and thus tend to spend more time alone (Chamberlain et al., 2007). Although many autistic children report having at least one friend, there are noted differences in quality, including the extent to which they are a part of social network (Kasari et al., 2011; Mendelson et al., 2016).
While studies of young autistic adults indicate they are quite capable of forming meaningful relationships with both neurotypical and autistic peers, they experience greatest success in friendships with people who accept and appreciate their unique differences, share common interests, and do not expect them to adhere to social norms (Sosnowy et al., 2018). Similarly, there are autistic individuals who strive to fit in to peer social groups by “masking” or “camouflaging” their natural inclinations to play and socialize with peers. However, the effort involved in hiding their “autistic behavior” has been shown to negatively impact individuals in many of the same ways as those who are ostracized by peers (Cassidy et al., 2019; Happe, 2020; Hull et al., 2021; Maitland et al., 2021).
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The peer group has a tremendous influence on the extent to which autistic children are included and able to reap the benefits afforded by play and friendships (Killen et al., 2013). A common experience for many autistic children is that they are excluded from their play culture because their outward behavior does not conform to peer perceptions of allowable behavior (Bottema-Beutel et al., 2017; Wolfberg et al., 1999). What adults say and do unavoidably has a strong influence on the perceptions and actions of the peer group. Notably, many adults convey the mistaken belief that autistic children neither know how nor want to play and make friends with other children and, therefore, should be left alone.
The understated or unconventional ways in which autistic children express their interests in playing and socializing with peers are frequently mistaken as signs of limited social interest or deviant behavior (Jordan, 2003; Wolfberg, 2009). These misconceptions result in a social void that places autistic children at risk for being neglected, rejected and bullied by peers (Heinrichs, 2003; Humphrey & Hebron, 2015; Sasson et al., 2017). Such aversive experiences lead to decreasing motivation to seek out peers for play and companionship (Bauminger & Kasari, 2000; Petrina et al., 2016).
There are serious repercussions when children are deprived of genuine opportunities to play and socialize with peers (Brown, 2012; Gray, 2011). The repeated experience of being ignored or excluded has cascading and lasting effects on an individual’s development, social functioning and psychological well-being. Autistic learners express feelings of alienation, decreased self-esteem, increased anxiety, loneliness, and depression (Bauminger & Kasari, 2000). With stereotypes being reinforced and perpetuated by misguided adults and peers, the potential for harm is further amplified (Sasson et al., 2017). Without support, the gap in the social void continues to widen and impact autistic and neurotypical/non-autistic children alike – depriving them of the reciprocal benefits of playing, socializing and learning together.
The social void arises in large part due to what Milton (2012) describes as the “double empathy” problem. There is a disconnect between social partners who lack mutual understanding of each other’s modes for communicating and socializing. To address this problem, the social void must be addressed on both sides. That is, the onus should not be placed solely on autistic children to acquire and build on their capacities for play and social engagement with peers. Rather, equal efforts should focus on educating neurotypical/non-autistic peers to alter their perceptions and gain the skill and experience they need to play and socialize with autistic peers. Only then is it possible to narrow the gap and eliminate the social void. This will allow a new play culture to emerge, one that is open to neurodiversity and inclusive of children who have different kinds of minds and present differing ways of communicating, relating and playing.
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Autism Demystification and Guided Participation
All children have the intrinsic desire, need and right to play, socialize and form meaningful friendships with peers. In light of neurodevelopmental differences and sociocultural factors, autistic children encounter obstacles in gaining equal access to these essential childhood experiences. To overcome these barriers, we introduced two complementary neurodiversity-affirming approaches (Autism Demystification and Guided Participation) which draw on models of inclusive practice that are empirically sound and socially validated.
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Tips for Practical Application
Autism Demystification
- Focus on understanding and acceptance. Help children understand and accept their own unique challenges and gifts. Model respect and inclusion.
- Always include the focus children. This provides the children with the same information made available to their peers and further models respect for diversity and a truly inclusive classroom and school culture.
- Demystify, not identify. Never single out children or mention their names, diagnosis, or any personal information during the demystification process.
- Make it fun and educational. Deliver programs in sensitive, age-appropriate, and interactive ways. Young children learn best through play and imagination; talking is often not as effective as games, story books, or entertaining activities.
- Model, label, explain, and normalize. The key to demystifying autism is to provide a visual model of the characteristics of autism, label those characteristics, explain the reason behind them, and, most important, normalize the characteristics to support empathy.
- Emphasize that we are all different. Include a variety of examples to help generalize the characteristics of autism as being real and genuine.
- Use sensitive language. Encourage a shared vocabulary, such as “I have this kind of mind.” “This is my self-regulating behavior, what’s yours?” To promote an inclusive culture, avoid using references like “them” and “us.” Instead, use “we” references such as, “We are all different in our own way.”
- Teach that autism is not a four-letter word. Be direct and honest, while respecting individuality, diversity, and privacy. Using the word autism or autistic is fine.
Guided Participation
- Understand and appreciate play and friendships. Spend time observing children of diverse ages, abilities, and backgrounds playing and socializing in a variety of natural contexts.
- Go with the flow. When guiding play, find a balance without being too intrusive or laissez-faire.
- Be flexible and follow the children’s lead. Let go of control, as opposed to imposing a rigid agenda of prescribed activities.
- Set the tone for the group. Model behavior that is respectful and inclusive of all children; address all the players as equally competent, contributing members of the group.
- Distribute attention among the players. Ensure that every child is maximally included by attending equitably to each player throughout the session.
- Grow into the role and find a personal style. Feel free to experiment to figure out what works best for the players, and also feels right for you.
- Take hold of the moment. If you feel you have reached an impasse, step back, breathe deeply, and take hold of the moment. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that the situation resolves itself.
- Reflect on your practice. Be introspective – contemplate your own experience and effectiveness as a Play Guide. Watching yourself in videos often gives perspective.
- Enjoy the experience and have fun. This is a vital lesson we have learned from those who have shared many rich and amusing stories guiding children’s play and friendships.
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