Ableism is prevalent in the wider world, but something that we often don’t consider is the ableist views we hold about ourselves. It is inevitable that after spending our lives surrounded by normative culture, we become conditioned to view ourselves as broken, deficient, or less than. Despite being able to share compassion with others, we still harbour overtly bigoted views towards ourselves.
We internalise the harmful things said to us by our peers and professionals – sometimes even partners and friends. We take them all in and think less of ourselves and we begin to believe that there is something wrong with us.
Neuroqueer: Dismantling our internalised ableism – Emergent Divergence
First, let’s be clear: internalised ableism doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It simply means you have turned negative messages about autism/disability in on yourself. This is not a conscious choice, it is a result of repeatedly experiencing or witnessing mistreatment and oppression of yourself and others over time. It doesn’t mean you are ableist towards others or lack compassion for others. Internalised ableism is the voice in your head that tells you that you are lazy, weak, stupid, or just need to try harder, and the feeling that you don’t deserve to have support. You probably say things to yourself that you wouldn’t dream of saying about someone else.
Internalised ableism is also linked to masking. Autistic masking is a survival strategy that many of us develop to try and appear less autistic because the world around us constantly tells us that being autistic is bad. We often learn to do this in childhood and may have even have been praised or rewarded for hiding our true selves and trying to achieve neuronormative standards. This is very damaging to our mental health and in the long run, leads to autistic burnout.
So remembering that earlier I was talking about many Autistic folks internalising ableism. What that means is seeing ourselves as less than, seeing ourselves as broken or inherently flawed because of the messaging we’ve received from society. Am I really weak, lazy, oversensitive, blunt, intense, scattered or is it time to consider myself through a different lens – the lens of acceptance, a more loving, and kind, self-forgiving, self-compassionate lens of acceptance? Is a daisy a disordered rose with odd yellow petals that need to be morphed into another colour, texture and smell? How might a daisy cope if we threw fertiliser on it and pruned it back heavily with shears every winter? They’re beautiful, bright and able to be nurtured to thrive exactly as they are.
Kristy Forbes, Flourishing with Acceptance – Reframing Autism
Internalized Ableism and Masking
Masking is when an Autistic person mimics, learns, observes how to be in the world. We watch people’s body language and hear their tone of voice. We learn about gender stereotypes and how we are expected to show up in the world and we follow those like a rulebook. So, sometimes you will see an Autistic person and they may appear to be well adapted, fitting in really well, well socialised, coping with life, but for many of us it hasn’t been safe to be honest with ourselves or with others about our challenges or our disability, so it may take until adulthood for us to actually start speaking about these and seeking appropriate supports.
Sometimes adults are diagnosed in adulthood because our masking has been so insidious that we fool ourselves into believing that we are really okay, that we don’t need to be supported but that we are inherently flawed. This can often be a combination of internalised ableism and the messaging that we receive from society, that we observe, starting in school. As early as early childhood, we see others bullied when they’re different, so that adds to us really investing our time and energy into masking.
Kristy Forbes, Flourishing with Acceptance – Reframing Autism
Wanting to be “like everybody else”, I worked hard in my classes with the sole objective of leaving the special needs classroom behind, becoming a purely general education student come 5th Grade. I chose to reject very generous accommodations which would have leveled the playing field for me and enabled me to be at my best academically because I could not tolerate the prospect of not being evaluated on the same terms as my peers. I became particularly self-critical of myself, often blaming my disability and beating myself up emotionally when I failed to meet a goal or obtain the desired result.
Simply put, I was not able to accept who I was. Instead, I rebelled against myself, wearing the mask of a people pleaser, thinking, wrongly, that this was what I needed to do in order to “fit in” and stay out of trouble. I was prioritizing my fear of confrontation, my eagerness to please others and my need to be liked over advocating for my own interests and being genuinely me.
This is what internalized ableism looks like, a challenge that is all too common among disabled individuals regardless of whether the disability is visible or invisible. It happens when societal discrimination against us is allowed to get under our skin, inevitably resulting in damaged self-esteem. Our community deserves better than this in that true happiness in life becomes elusive, if not impossible, when one’s sense of self has been compromised to the degree that internalized ableism is capable of inflicting, and we only have one life to live.
Overcoming Internalised Ableism
So how can we start to overcome internalised ableism? We need to allow ourselves to live authentically without shame and reclaim our autistic identity. However, this may feel scary or unsafe at first, so just explore it in a way that feels most comfortable. We must also acknowledge that this does require privilege – for certain people and in certain situations it really is not safe to appear autistic. Simply living and existing autistically is a radical act.
We can start by following other openly autistic adults on social media, reading their blogs and books, listening to their podcasts, and watching their YouTube videos (searching for the hashtag #actuallyautistic on your favourite platforms can be a great way to get started). Seeing other people who are comfortable with their autistic identity and expressing themselves authentically will help to reprogram your thoughts.
When Autistic people are in an environment that constantly belittles and mistreats us for our Autistic embodiment, the materials that we can access to construct ourselves are often self-deprecating.
How does one dismantle a lifetime of criticism and negative views arising from those experiences? First we have to understand the impact that said criticism has had on our psychological wellbeing. We have to recognise the neutrality of human thought, we have to learn that not all thoughts we have are reflective of who we are. It is possible to have negative thoughts without judging them as an indictment on our character. Once we begin to do this we are able to replace the criticisms with authenticity; a refusal to be ashamed of our embodiment. Perhaps, then, this is where neuroqueering comes into play.
It’s important to note the privilege at play when people are safe to queer their neurology. Authentic embodiment of Autistic experience can cost people their lives and their freedom in the wrong environment. Whether we care to admit it or not, not all Autistics are born equal in this society. Many Autistic people are multiply marginalised, and experience more than “just” disability discrimination.
One might ask whether or not neuroqueering is a physical act, or something that can be achieved in the mind. Many of us are at peace with ourselves whilst not openly confessing our Autistic experience. This reflects more on the environments that we inhabit than how we feel about ourselves. We can be proudly Autistic whilst understanding that not all environments are safe to authentically embody those experiences.
Neuroqueer: Dismantling our internalised ableism – Emergent Divergence
Neuroqueering
How does neuroqueering change our perception of ourselves?
Neuroqueering can involve leaning into our weirdness, regardless of other’s opinions. It can also be radical self-acceptance and showing love to the parts of our Self that others have mistreated and abused. Not only does this allow us to reclaim the narrative surrounding our existence, it also gives us permission to take up the space that we have been conditioned to believe we are not entitled to.
Neuroqueer theory teaches us that assimilation denies us access to ourselves, and thus, denies access to the communities (or environments) that will help us meet our need for connection. Only by being our authentic selves can we find similar others and share in reciprocal validation. Neuroqueering dismantles internalised ableism, and the oppressive structures that have been built in our minds by others. It is a practice which champions diversity whilst appreciating that many of us still need support.
Neuroqueering politicises the nature of disability, centering us as the individuals in control of our own lives. Control that many of us are denied for being authentically Autistic. It allows us to appreciate the aforementioned neutrality of our existence through the lens of pride, and the refusal to be ashamed. It recognises that reduced wellbeing is the result of systemic oppression, and a chronic lack of access.
Neuroqueer: Dismantling our internalised ableism – Emergent Divergence
