We love this fun tweet on the five neurodivergent love locutions from the always insightful Myth.

Emotional bids are the pixels of relationship communications and are important to relationship accommodations. This list is much about recognizing and meeting some common neurodivergent emotional bids in relationships, thus the phrase “love locutions”.

Note: This piece originally used the phrase “love languages”. Despite the popularity of the term, we have opted for “love locutions” to distance from the emotionally abusive and heteronormative history of the book “The Five Love Languages”.

Locution = a word or expression characteristic of a region, group, or cultural level

We’ll expand on each “love locution” with selected quotes, images, and videos.

Gottman refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. They’re requests to connect.

Bids are often purposely subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, “Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!” so instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we’ll receive connection in return, but if not, it’s less scary than pleading, “Connect with me, please!”

Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids

Prelude: Strange Astrology

I like them spooky and you're just my style
Said the Leo to the Taurus
And if you’d like to stay with me awhile
I'll cover us with forest
We can stroll across a magic land
It's green and it is glowing
Lay our bodies in the moss and sand
We know and we are knowing

And I don’t mind
Our strange astrology
I hope we find
You bring the best out in me

Infodumping

SpIns and Infodumps

I don’t know who invented the phrase “special interest.” Probably some researcher. Autistic people don’t really love the term because the term “special” has become tied so closely with terms like “special needs,” which we resent.

Nevertheless, somewhere down the line “special interest,” commonly shortened to SpIn (“spin”), became the term for the characteristically-autistic tendency to develop an obsession with something specific and often obscure.

Some special interests are short lived, and some last the lifetime of the person; but, however long they last, they are intense, delightful, and a vital part of autistic culture.

So integral are special interests to autistic culture that autistic people will post about feeling depressed and unmotivated because they don’t have an active SpIn at the moment.

Having a special interest is like having a crush or being newly in love. It is consuming and delightful. We love to share our special interests and a common example of autistic empathy is encouraging others to talk in great detail- “infodump“- about their SpIns.

It is considered a sign of caring and friendship to encourage someone to talk to you about their SpIn– whether or not you actually share their interest- because nothing makes an autistic person happier than discussing, learning about, or sharing about, their SpIn.

It is also quite acceptable in autistic culture to “infodump” on a topic whenever it happens to come up. To autists (an insider short-hand for autistic people), the sharing of knowledge and information is always welcome.

7 Cool Aspects of Autistic Culture » NeuroClastic

🐇 …when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by…

Parallel Play, Body Doubling

We enjoy parallel play and shared activities that don’t require continual conversation. When we talk, it gets deep quickly. We discuss what’s real, our struggles, fears, desires, obsessions. We appreciate a good infodump, and there’s no such thing as oversharing. We swap SAME stories — sharing a time when we felt similarly in our own life, not as a competition, but to reflect how well we are listening to each other.

Lost in Translation: The Social Language Theory of Neurodivergence | by Trauma Geek | Medium

I want to spend time in parallel existence with you; let’s be alone together.

neurowonderful — neurowonderful: They’re here! Because you…

There’s something so nice about just existing in the same space with someone. Just getting to spend time with them and maybe you do something together or maybe you do homework while they play a game and you both have headphones on. There’s no expectations for anyone to do anything. It’s just nice to be there, no matter what happens.

Colonel Meme – There’s something so nice about just existing in…

Parallel play is when people do separate activities with each other, not trying to influence each others behavior. I like socializing and I get lonely; I like company even though I don’t like group activities, group conversations, group games, small talking, or large groups in general… I prefer being in someone’s company while doing my own activity. It is much less mentally taxing. With parallel play, I can be myself and communicate when I want to.

Parallel Play and Autism | GENDERVOID MEGAVERSE

Related to parallel play is the ADHDer practice of body doubling.

But in the world of ADHD, a body double is someone who sits with a person with ADHD as he tackles tasks that might be difficult to complete alone.

Many people with ADHD find it easier to stay focused on housework, homework, bill paying, and other tasks when someone else is around to keep them company. The body double may just sit quietly. He may read, listen to music on headphones, or work on the task that the person with ADHD is working on. Hard work is simply more fun when someone else is nearby.

Getting Stuff Done Is Easier with a Friend

But why does a body double work? There are a few possible explanations. The simplest is that the body double serves as a physical anchor for the distracted individual who feels more focused by the presence of another person in their space. The distracted person feels responsible to and for the body double. This perception translates as­-I can’t waste this gift of time.

The Body Double: A Unique Tool for Getting Things Done | ADDA – Attention Deficit Disorder Association

But she wasn’t there to procrastinate. For an hour, Ms. Bee, a teacher in her 30s, live-streamed herself sorting the clothes on her account dedicated to ADHD: brainsandspoons. As the live stream went on, viewers jumped in to do their own laundry “with” her.

“Everybody was so encouraging,” said Ms. Bee, who learned she has ADHD as an adult. “It made it really feel like a group project, not just me by myself on camera. It definitely made the time go by faster.”

The ADHD community calls the practice “body doubling.”

‘Body doubling,’ an ADHD productivity tool, is flourishing online | Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

If you imagine that an autistic kid at school is likely to be wrenched out of their attention tunnel multiple times every day, each time leading to disorientation and deep discomfort, you are on your way to understanding why school environments can be so stressful for many autistic students. If you can avoid contributing to that, you may find that you have an easier time with your autistic students: try entering into their attention tunnel when you can, rather than tugging them out of it. Parallel play is one powerful tool for this; start where the child is, show interest in what they’re focused on. If you do need to pull them out of whatever they’re focusing on, it’s best to give them a bit of time.

Craft, Flow and Cognitive Styles

Support Swapping, Sharing Spoons

Neurodivergent people, working together, can fill the gaps in each other’s spiky profiles. Go team. Members of the Neurodiversity ERG at Automattic help each other out during synchronous, meatspace meetups, which can be very stressful.

Support swapping can happen during parallel play, making for a nice moment of converging love languages.

What is mutual aid?

“Solidarity, not charity.”

Why is a spoon share helpful?

• Interdependence, understanding and support
• Gives opportunity to help & care for other in on our own terms and within our own capacities
• Direct support in a community within a community
• It’s much easier to practice asking, offering, receiving, and declining among people who “get it”!

Collective Community Care: Dreaming of Futures in Autistic Mutual Aid

Increasingly, autistic communities have been exposed to ideas of disability justice, interdependence, access intimacy, collective/community care, and mutual aid. Care collectives, spoon shares, and other community care groups by and for disabled people, racialized people, LGBTQ2IA+ people (and people at this intersection) are growing in number. Is there a future for autistic spaces to also act as spaces of intentional mutual aid?

Moving from a rights-based perspective to a justice-based one necessitates a look at our care systems and re-envisioning how our communities function to ensure no one is left behind.

Collective Community Care: Dreaming of Futures in Autistic Mutual Aid, Autscape: 2020 Presentations

Deep Pressure: Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body

A famous example of the common autistic preference for deep pressure input is Temple Grandin’s Squeeze Machine.

At age 18, I constructed the squeeze machine to help calm down the anxiety and panic attacks. Using the machine for 15 minutes would reduce my anxiety for up to 45-60 minutes (Grandin and Scariano 1986). The relaxing effect was maximized if the machine was used twice a day.

Gradually, my tolerance of being held by the squeeze machine grew. Knowing that I could initiate the pressure, and stop it if the stimulation became too intense, helped me to reduce the oversensitivity of my “nervous system.” A once overwhelming stimulus was now a pleasurable experience.

Using the machine enabled me to learn to tolerate being touched by another person. By age 25, I was able to relax in the machine without pulling away from it. It also made me feel less aggressive and less tense. Soon I noted a change in our cat’s reaction to me. The cat, who used to run away from me now would stay with me, because I had learned to caress him with a gentler touch. I had to be comforted myself before I could give comfort to the cat.

As my “nervous system” calmed down, I required less squeeze pressure to produce a comforting feeling. Gradually, I could reduce the pressure regulator setting from 80 to 60 psi.

Calming Effects of Deep Touch Pressure in Patients with Autistic Disorder, College Students, and Animals

But I’m tortured because whilst I don’t want to make a scene or have strangers adding to the overload and overwhelm, I’m simultaneously desperate for someone to give me a massive, firm, bear-hug. To hide me, cocoon me, and shield me from the shock waves that travel from their universe into mine.

On meltdowns | The Misadventures of Mama Pineapple

Penguin Pebbling: “I found this cool rock, button, leaf, etc. and thought you would like it”

@brainsandspoons

Reply to @divinenonbinary #pebble #penguinpebbles #penguinpebbling #lovelanguage #neurodivergent

♬ original sound – Lindsey Brainsandspoons

Penguins pass pebbles to other penguins to show they care. Penguin Pebbling is a little exchange between two people to show that they care and want to build a meaningful connection. For autistic people, giving little gifts spontaneously can be a meaningful way of communicating that you are thinking about someone and that you care. We are not talking about spending money, rather it is about building connections through the friendship you have developed between you both.

This could look like finding a pretty pebble, twig, or flower, perhaps taking a photo on a walk you enjoyed together and sharing it with someone to say, ‘This reminded me of you today, I hope you like it.’ Navigating the complex world of communication and socialisation may feel too much at times and Penguin Pebbling is a small act to show you care, just because it is a nice thing to do!

Penguin Pebbling – An Autistic Love Language

Penguin Pebbling gets back to SpIns, both inviting people into yours and encouraging other’s. SpIns are a trove for unconventional gift giving.

Neurodivergent Love Locutions and Teamwork

Infodumping, parallel play, support swapping, and penguin pebbling are locutions of teamwork and collaboration too, especially in distributed work cultures and “communication is oxygen” cultures. Understanding the locutions help us participate in neurodiverse competency networks. If only there were a distributed and work-appropriate equivalent for “Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body”.

Spiky Profiles

Appreciate the strange astrology of our spiky profiles coming together.

Join the Randimals in learning about spiky profiles.

“What makes us different, makes all the difference in the world.”

And I don’t mind
Our strange astrology
I hope we find
You bring the best out in me

Strange Astrology by Slothrust

What makes us different, makes all the difference in the world.

Reframe Neurodivergence

Thanks for learning about neurodivergent love locutions with us. If you’ve got time, stick around and reframe. To understand neurodivergent people in relationships of any kind, we must reframe. We reframe disability and difference with our Four Pillars.

📓 Learning Space

Stimpunks Learning Space offers community and space for passion-based, human-centered learning with purpose. Our learners collaborate on distributed, multiage, cross-disciplinary teams with a neurodiverse array of creatives doing work that impacts community. Via equity, access, empathy, and inclusivity, we create anti-ableist space for the neurodivergent and disabled people most ill-served by “empty pedagogy, behaviorism, and the rejection of equity“.

🧐 Open Research

Our emancipatory research efforts focus on the sweet spot of digital sociology, neurodiversity studies, disability studies, and syncretism, in the open. We improve the scientific
experience for the disabled and the
neurodivergent by restoring the humanities. We bring voice into empirical constructs and translate voice into academic comprehension.

⛑️ Mutual Aid

Staying alive is a lot of work for a disabled person in an ableist society. We provide real help against the onslaught through mutual aid. We believe that direct support to individuals is the most effective approach to alleviating the barriers and challenges that prevent neurodivergent and disabled people from thriving.

🧰 Creator Grants

We pay creators to create. We buy space to breathe and make. Creativity is a vital force that drives positive change in society. We provide financial support to creators across various fields, including art, advocacy, research, and beyond.
 We aim to enable creators to fully immerse themselves in their work. We recognize the importance of investing in the creative process and the impact it can have on communities and individuals.

Support Myth

Myth’s “Ask an Autistic” YouTube series is an important part of our journey here at Stimpunks. We’re glad to support their work.

Need Support?

Stimpunks Foundation challenges the typical approach to helping people who are neurodivergent or disabled. We know what it is like to live with barriers and what it means to not fit in and have to forge our own community. Stimpunks knows that neurodivergent and disabled people have human needs, not special needs. We offer a humane approach to help our community thrive.

Through Stimpunks Foundation, we:

1. Offer financial and mutual aid;
2. Hire our community members as consultants;
3. Provide a learning space designed for our community; and
4. Support our community’s open research efforts.

One in four U.S. adults have a disability. However, our community receives only 2% of US grant funding, and only 19% of us are employed. We can’t just let that be the truth. We have to challenge the norm and change the narrative around people who are neurodivergent or disabled.

Stimpunks Foundation seeks to do just that. Learn more at stimpunks.org.

Please leave this field empty

We publish regularly. We offer lots of free resources for navigating our current society and building a more inclusive society. We offer validation for thirsty souls yearning to be seen, heard, and understood. We offer words on your behalf, ones which call out to include you. We offer community and belonging.

Sign up to receive our newsletter in your inbox, every month.

Email Address *

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.

Check your inbox or spam folder to confirm your subscription.

This post is also available in: Deutsch (German) Español (Spanish) Français (French) עברית (Hebrew) हिन्दी (Hindi) Svenska (Swedish)